"I do not want surgery, is there a correlation between the fibroid growth and extended visit with my parents?"
Dear Gillian,
m wondering if it would be OK for me to
give you a call. I'm feeling like it might help give me some of the direction
I need right now. It is strange (and frustrating) because at the same time I
feel like I know what I need to do but still seem to need some
guidance.
It has been a bit of a journey for me and
maybe it is better to write a few words about my background before we speak.
I first noticed a decline in my health long before I had any idea about the fibroid; It was over a decade ago when I was a competitive distance runner in college (I am from the States). The situation was borderline abusive and my mind and body didn't do too well; I got out of it to "take care of myself". But in the aftermath I think I felt awkward no longer being "the star" and instead of recovering I threw myself into a rigorous academic program that I vaguely knew I didn't want to be in (the words "you’re on the wrong path frequently floated through my mind"). Not surprisingly my health - exhaustion and stress - became worse. By the end of college I looked quite literally like I had come out of a death camp: I was totally emaciated, veins throughout my body were distended and my nervous system felt like it was on overdrive. In those years I think the rewards of familial praise made it worth it.
Anyways, two years into that "wrong
career" I decided to make some changes and returned to school. I realized on
some level that I couldn't trust my thoughts (like I realized I was removed
from myself somehow ) and made a sort-of pact to listen to my body and live
however and study whatever felt right for me. So a lot of my twenties was
spent like that; now, at 31, I am already grateful for it - I mean
really grateful. I studied things that really
nurtured my soul (art history, painting and drawing, philosophy and
literature). My (now husband) and I moved from the east coast to the west and
became even more embracing of organic foods and small farms. We gardened and
bicycled; my tastes in general evolved in a way that felt so much more like
me! But at the same time it was very tumultuous period as I
felt a lot of anger and anxiety. There was much tension in my body and I
developed different health problems. In my mid to late twenties I started to
free-write daily (to help with creativity) and it took a long time for me to
realize that almost every single page dealt somehow with pain from and
resentment towards my parents. For maybe a year I didnt really think about
the trend - it was so difficult for me to admit the dysfunction in my family!
I spoke to them almost everyday and would have said we had a perfect family
(at least up to my mid-twenties - it was like I was incapable of being honest
or gaining perspective about the truth of the situation) Anyways, once I
started to be more open to it all it was like one shocking revelation after
another. I felt more anger and I can't say it felt clean and clarifying.
It felt exhausting and alienating.
During this time (my late twenties) I met
a homeopathist in Mexico who I happened to rent an apartment from, and she
noticed some of my symptoms and took me under her wing a bit. She introduced
me to the book Healing with Whole Foods and certain aspects of my health
totally improved, but others remained the same. When I was 29 I found out
about my fibroids (I had two - one pedunculated and another in the uterine
wall) and it was a bit devastating. Despite certain improvements I sensed
things were deeply wrong with my health. During this period my husband and I
spent a few months at my parents before making a move to Europe and my health
markedly worsened. It was a very painful yet clarifying experience. By the
time we got to England I was so exhausted and felt so vulnerable it was
difficult to walk down the street. I would get dizzy and it felt like I had
no shield for the noise or people (it was like the emotions and physical
tension of a person with an awkward physiognomy or pained expression would
sink into me) Even if I was out on a walk in nature if I lost my footing a
bit I would start perspiring. This was by far the worst time for me, but
also a very propitious one because I discovered an article written by a
renown American physician and Chinese Doctor describing all the medical
problems I had experienced since college and related them to high level
"over-exercise'. It was quite literally an answer to a prayer because for
years I knew my health was deteriorating and that it was related to
the experience with my coach but no doctors could ever give answers. Despite
being technically retired (he is 84) he agreed to work with me and I moved
from England to Florida and was treated by him and one of his colleagues for
two months. This was the first time I explained the health issues I had been
having to my family. When I went back to England I continued to be treated by
a different colleague of his in London and continued to improve. But
then, last month while visiting my parents for the holidays, I had a
debilitating period (clots, pain - the first of its kind), and went to
the hospital where the gyn informed me that the remaining fibroid has grown
and he advises surgery. I DO NOT want surgery. I can't help but wonder if
there is a correlation between the bad period, fibroid growth and extended
visit with my parents.
I haven't gotten into the issues with my
parents but I know that despite having become painfully aware of certain
issues, I haven't been able to let them go yet. I know I have thought about it
- wanted to forgive and told myself of course I forgive, but
how exactly does one make the step from conceptualizing forgiveness and
realizing it? I can feel compassion for their suffering, fears and
confusion, but at the same time I know I am not free from their pain; I still
feel vulnerable and resentful and, well, fearful of them. Building my
boundaries is an issue and I don't think I can feel safe around them until I
am fully shielded. Another thing is that beyond forgiveness I sense that
becoming "fully shielded" really hinges on my doing the type of work I believe
I am meant to do which hasn’t been so easy in ways. I believe this (
creativity that hasn’t been able to be expressed) is also directly connected
to my fibroid.
I almost cannot believe I just wrote two
and one-half pages about all this – so much for “a few words” I really hope it
isn’t too much.
Dear Lydia,
thank you for sharing with me. What an amazing
woman you are, congratulations on finding your way through and undertaking so
much of your own healing.
Having read your letter my first thoughts are
that you are struggling and trying so hard to take care of everything. What I
would like you to do is to relax and start trusting yourself and the process
of life. If you were coming to me I would be working with your sub-conscious
and getting your brain out of the way. You are a very intelligent woman and
sometimes our intellect can get in the way of our healing, searching for
answers and rationalising things so that we "get it" intellectually but the
changes do not take place at the heart level. The anxiety and stress
causes our health to deteriorate and the body cannot heal under such
conditions (take a look at my own story and guidelines).
My advice to you is to get to a workshop as soon
as you can or work with a Louise Hay teacher or similar in your area so that
you can dump the "bad stuff", rid yourself of the fear and anxiety, the anger
and resentment. Once you get to a loving place of the heart all the other
things fall into place and the healing happens quite naturally without you
having to work at it. You will also naturally develop your boundaries
and people around you will change.
Since receiving this letter and answering it I have now produced a "Cure Your Fibroids Naturally" eBook.