My girlfriend is desperate for a baby but I feel unwilling to proceed...
Dear Gillian,
I was hoping to attend your last weekend workshop with my partner, but
unfortunately it clashed with other commitments. I've written a very
long email below - Please don't feel you have to read it as I 'm sure you must
be busy - It's been useful and cathartic for me to write it just in terms of
formulating my thoughts into words.
I've read "Heal your Life" and other similar books and have utilized
affirmations and mirror work in my life with some positive results. The reason
I wanted to attend your course was both to learn more for myself and also
because I wanted my girlfriend to be introduced to this way of thinking
by someone other than me (when I try and emphasize the importance of
positivity etc she perceives me as being self-righteous or patronising).
We are going through a very difficult patch at present. She is desperate to
start trying for a baby (she has just turned 35 so is understandably worried
about her fertility) but I feel unwilling to proceed at present because I feel
she is so emotionally unstable/negative. I see it as a huge, life changing
step that should be entered into with a harmonious, positive spirit - But we
seemed to be getting further and further away from that. Often she will
say nasty, hurtful things
to me and tell me she "hates me" etc More than once she has told me it's all
over...but then a day or two later she acts as if no such thing was said.
There is no emotional consistency, and I have come to see her apologies as
"superficial sorrys" that are meaningless.
For 90% of the time she is getting angry/upset with me, treating me with
disdain, making snidey remarks or being verbally abusive. And yet
simultaneously she is somehow expecting me to "come round" to the idea of
starting a family and will often say "sorry" and try to make up after a few
days of "peak activity"...only for it to all happen again very shortly. We
seem to be stuck in a vicious circle - she is frustrated because she sees no
"progress" towards her goal and thinks that it's simply down to me being
selfish or unwilling, whilst I am frustrated because when I start a family I
want it commence as a natural progression "from a place of love" and mutual
respect not because my partner has bullied and emotional manipulated me into
consenting to do so. I am so dismayed by this situation I don't know what to
do... The more it goes on the less convinced I am that I want to have a child
with her (or perhaps even continue the relationship). I try to explain to her
that the way she is behaving is chipping away at my love for her but she
perceives me as being selfish and irresponsible and puts it down to me being
younger than her (I'm 30). I care about her and I don't want to have wasted
the last 5 years of her life, but I also don't want to have a child that is
conceived in a turbulent, warring, hate-filled atmosphere and then born into
a dysfunctional relationship with a "negative" emotional inheritance. I know
things will never be perfect, but I know they can be a lot more balanced and
- although I never said in any such terms - I had indicated as much to her in
the past (i.e. that I would consider starting a family if our relationship was
working better....However, she saw this as me setting her a
Pass List or saying "when you have changed to my liking"....And I suppose,
in a way, she was right as I did and do want her to change - or at least
make an effort to change - some of her negative tendencies,,,
In the past when I've told her that if we things will be a lot more stressful
etc when she has a baby, therefore if she can't "cope" now in a good way with
life's ups and downs and our relationship then things would only be likely to
get worse with the added stress/responsibility of a child.
I have tried to introduce my partner to Louise Hay's work ( she read most of
"Heal your Life" but did not endeavour to incorporate the ideas into her life)
and had hoped that we could attend you course. Apart from doing this I'm at a
loss as to how to "help" her become more positive...And
then I wonder if maybe it's all my fault and that maybe I should be more
loving and forgiving and not be trying to change her but instead changing
myself somehow...Am I the one being selfish and not willing to change?
I'm really sorry to burden you by sending you such a long email. Thank you for
reading it all. I really appreciate it. I don't expect you to reply with any
miraculous solution, but if you do have time and happen to have any useful
advice it would be very, very welcome...
Dear Tom,
Having children can be a natural progression in a loving relationship but
can still be scary. If you do not feel that you want to have a child with
this woman unless she changes then I suggest you review why you are staying
in this relationship. Her recent behaviour indicates something is wrong but
that does not mean that you can fix it for her. We cannot change anyone
else just work on ourselves.
We start to get into difficulty when we think that if the other person would
just change or behave differently then everything would be perfect.
Sometimes as we develop and become more enlightened we grow away from some
of the people and things we were initially attracted to, as we change, those
around us either move with the changes or find it increasingly more
difficult and uncomfortable. There can be a lot of hurt and anger around in
those circumstances. You mentioned her negativity and your positivity and
it may well be that such a mismatch is starting to show.
The baby issue seems to be dominating everything, if something does not feel
right with your relationship then it needs to be sorted before a baby is on
the way, as you know babies do not make relationships work they put
additional pressure on and so they need to come into a strong loving
relationship if possible. She may feel that having a baby would make
everything OK but that is ignoring whatever is at the root of the problem.
Many young women want to have a baby so that they can feel loved and needed
this may not be true for your girlfriend as she is a little older, but
obviously the bodyclock adds pressure.
Sometimes we drift along and it is not until we hit a crunch point like this
that we know what we do or do not want. It is perfectly possible to love
someone and yet know that they are not the one you want to do the whole
forever family bit with for whatever reason. Unfortunately guilt can get in
the way.
Do you really love this woman?
Do you really want children?
Do you really want children with this woman?
These are really hard questions that only you can answer.
I do not take both partners on a workshop for obvious reasons so if you came
you would have to come separately. She would have to choose to come because
she wants to, not to make you happy. It is an intense process and I believe
we would get to the bottom of her issues but it would be her process and
confidential.
Likewise if you attend a workshop or some personal sessions it would be
about just you and getting back to your heart and soul and making choices
that are best for you.
You are obviously a very loving and caring person, you can trust your own
judgement. You can affirm "what I need to know is revealed to me" and/or
"everything is working out perfectly for my highest good and the highest
good of all concerned".
Here if you need me.
With love, Gillian
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