Grief

 I have decided to set aside this page to cover the topic of grief as it is one that comes up again and again in the emails and letters I receive and as I lost my father in 2005 it was very much on my mind when I wrote this.

 

Is there a process for grief?

Grief is a very personal thing, in my experience of research and listening to others, no two people grieve in the same way although there may be similarities.  Those who specialise in grief counselling will tell you that it goes through specific phases - denial, anger, sadness, bargaining and acceptance.  I have never liked any sort of prescriptive statement of an emotional process like this.  Whenever people encounter it whilst grieving they invariably try to work out what part of the process they are in and if they fit the "norm".

When people ask - "Will it get better/easier?" the general answer is yes but there will likely always be a part of us that still grieves if only a little, we mainly get on with life and give ourselves over to what we still have in it. There will always be times, depending on the relationship of the person to you, when the loss feels stronger.  Family events like Christmas or weddings etc. when they would have played a particular role, been a character, an embarrassment or a rock. 

If you have lost a child, then it may seem like the future stretches out before you with nothing more than sadness and emptiness.  Again when this is how you feel it is impossible to imagine how it could ever feel better. If you had a very difficult childhood with abuse of any kind then there will be a lot of mixed and confusing emotions. If you are in this position then there are specialist counselling and support services and I urge you to contact your local ones and get the support you need to avoid isolation.

Becoming an adult orphan

Losing the last parent seems to be a slightly different event to the first.  Obviously if you lose both parents as a child you are classed as an "orphan" and treated as such. Everyone can instantly sympathise or realise that this is a traumatic event.  However, when you are older and your parents die, it sounds ridiculous to say "I am an orphan".  Whilst one parent remains alive you are still a child to someone no matter how old you are and whether or not you have become the carer for that parent.  Also you may find that you finally grieve the loss of your first parent, which may not have seemed possible or just may not have happened whilst the other parent was alive.  This is sometimes caused by throwing yourself into taking care or being concerned about how the other parent is coping rather than experiencing your own sense of loss.

Once all parents are gone then you are technically an orphan, your position or role has changed. There is a sense of missed opportunities to spend more time together, have that talk, ask those questions.  There is also inevitably a feeling of future loss - Mum not seeing your children grow up or even seeing them at all, Dad not seeing you succeed in your field of work or get the award.

Illness

Following the death of a loved one we are more prone to infection and illness. It is extremely important to take loving care of yourself.  It is well documented that within 12-18months onwards a serious health problem can occur with the long term partner of someone who has died. This reflects the sense of loss of purpose, joy, love of life and negative thoughts and beliefs that can take hold at that time.  Being a Carer for an ageing parent can dramatically effect the immune system and scientists have found that their reduced immunity continued even long after they ceased to be Carers (more on this).  If you are experiencing a health problem take a look at the health page.

 

Guilt

Amongst other feelings and emotions guilt is another one that can be very damaging to your overall health and happiness.  No matter what the circumstances most people feel guilty when someone dies.  It may be that you feel you did not do enough, did not see them as often as you might, left things unsaid or unresolved.   This whole mix can be made very complex if you did not know your parents, felt very antagonistic towards them, in awe or frightened of them.

Moving forward 

If you are experiencing grief, as we all will at sometime in our lives, you have my love.  I am not going to say I understand what you are feeling as I know you are an individual and your experience is unique to you.  Losing those close to us is part of life, we have a right to all our feelings and emotions including anger and disappointment.  Make sure you do not remain stuck in the past.  use releasing work either personally or in a group/supportive setting to assist the process of moving forward.  Not to forget or negate your feelings but to vent them, allow them to flow out in a healthy way.  Remember you still have a life to experience and fulfil in its richness, gifts to offer, love to share.  You carry  who ever it is you have lost in a special place in your heart. 

Freedom

One of the wonderful things that can happen at some point is the realisation that you are free and that a whole new world of opportunities can now open up for you.  No matter how wonderful our parents and our childhood, we are still subject to the real or imagined pressure of living the kind of life our parents think we should.  Many people have taken courses, jobs, partners, or other things because they believe it makes their parents happy, meets with approval and their expectations and is "the right thing to do".  When both parents die you realise just how much you may have relied, been guided or driven by them in your life even down to everyday decisions.  Once they are gone so is the judgement about what you do and you can finally grow up and take your own decisions based totally on what you want and what you think.  When you reach a point where you feel this freedom, use it to motivate you to do all the things that you have always wanted to but felt would not fit with others expectations of you.  I am not suggesting you drop all responsibilities (especially if you have children or dependants) but choose to really LIVE your life.  Get the most from each day, see the good and the joy in your life in the little and the large things.  Do not focus on what is wrong with your life, focus on the good and allow changes to take place in the other areas.  Relax this is your life.

Useful Resources

 

Do something good just for you, deal with all those pent up emotions, anger, hurt, fear, loss or even the cold emotionless state that we can sometimes find ourselves in.  Look up what is available to you locally or  come and spend a weekend with me  When is the next "heal Your Life" Weekend Workshop?

I have put together a range of resources to assist the healing process take a look here.

There is a wonderful book which I recommend to anyone in this position called "Midlife Orphan" by Jane Brooks.  It recounts the experiences of others going through this event and the kind of issues that arise.  Through its real life stories it is comforting to know that you are not alone and that similar issues come up for others.  It also helps you to understand that no matter how long your parents would have lived you probably never would have had the kind of conversation or activities you wish you had.  It is also amazing and sad how many family arguments, feuds, rifts go on and can be re-ignited by a death in the family.

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